May 26, 2000
I haven't written in so long. I have nothing to write. I feel as if I've closed myself off. I haven't let anyone in for so long. I haven't wanted to, no one has seemed right. I talk about a lot of things with a lot of people, but I don't let any of them in. Jenn was the only one I let in, but I kicked her out long ago. She abused my trust. I don't think she really cared that she did. She somehow wants everything to be just like it was, but it never will be. She hardly talks to me and when she does I just end up disliking her more. I miss having that connection, I really do. But I will not reinstate it simply because that's how she wants things to be. She's always determined how things were between us and on this I get to have control for once. I really don't want to talk about her anymore. She's a weird thing in my life. Most of the time I feel abivilent towards her, but then sometimes I just feel this overwhelming desire to talk to her. Then when I do, I get angry at her all over again. It's a vicious cycle. I wish I could stop it. I'm so tired of writing about her and thinking about her. It's not good that I've been by myself for so long because I have no distraction. So she's still the freshest thing in my mind. Well, one of them anyhow. There's all those other girls who screwed me over, but I don't think about them because I never became emotionally attached to them. I really don't understand what's wrong with me. I want so badly to find someone, yet when presented with an opportunity, I freeze. All I had to do was go say at least "hi" to this girl. But did I? Of course not. Anyhow, it's my own fault. I will do better next time.
Here's a really bad haiku I wrote for my friend Josh because he demanded I write a poem about him.
a boy named josh
10 April 16