April 8, 2000

I'm feeling sort of lost and confused again and there's this creativity inside of me just bursting to come out into some great masterpiece but I don't know what it's supposed to be. It has to be one of the most frustrating feelings in the world. It's just this feeling in the pit of my stomach that is telling me to express it, but I don't have the faculties to do so. If I try I always fail miserable and the feeling only knaws away more at me. I wish I could make it a reality because I know it would be something good. If I could just figure out how I am supposed to express this, then everything would be good. I need to get this out. I need to figure out how. Writing is the closest thing that I have found to a solution so far. What am I supposed to be creating? I think of all the possible things I could and nothing seems to fit. I just want to run around outside. But seeing as it's after midnight and I'm in the city, I doubt that would be wise. I really wanted to go rollerblading by the river today, but there was no one to go with. I haven't rollerbladed in a really long time, so I wanted to take someone with me to laugh with when I made a fool out of myself. I think I'll just go by myself tomorrow though because I really want to go. I need to get out and feel like I'm being productive. I can't deal with sitting in front of my computer doing web design stuff anymore. I really think that I'm getting burned out. Which scares me a lot because I'm only 18 and it's what I'm going to school for and I have no idea what else to do with myself. I'm hoping that it's just because I've been inside all winter and it's spring fever. Also, I think it's partly due to the fact that the place I work allows me no creativity and it's turned web design into a chore instead of something fun. I'm thinking that I don't want to work at a web design place over the summer. Maybe I just need to do some menial labor so that I feel as if I'm accomplishing something. Then I'll try to find a job at a different company for the next school year. Hopefully that will help. So aside from the all the bad, frustrating things in my life, I've met a nice new girl. Her name's Renee and she's really sweet. The only thing is I haven't really connected with her. But then again, the only time we really spend together is walking between classes, so I guess it's understandable. I'm hoping that she'll give me a call this weekend and we can go out. I like her a lot and I'm hoping that my complete social ineptness doesn't mess things up. Why is it that I can talk to girls I don't care about at all, but when I try talking to one I like nothing happens? I wish my brain would behave a little more rationally some times. Who knows, maybe I'm just a boring person. Or maybe I'm just trying to hard. Well, I guess I'll find out eventually.