July 23, 2000


Today I realized that I am an asshole. It is not a fun thing to realize. All this time I had thought that I was decent and sweet, but I'm a complete asshole. I don't want to be this way, I just don't know how to act otherwise. This is not a situation I should have gotten myself into. I've done this before and the last time I swore it would be a one time mistake. Albeit, this isn't nearly as bad as what I did before, but it has the potential to turn into the same exact thing. Why the hell does this keep happening? Damn my need to know everything. It plays a large factor in this. I can't stand to not know. Then that eternal question of "What if...?" would haunt me. If at some point I end up unhappy with what I've chosen, then I'll always wonder about the other path. But I can't choose to take both paths, that's not the way things work. It's either one or the other. I have to suck it up and commit to one. Dammit, it would be so much better if I did not have to choose, if there wasn't another option or if it just appeared later on down the road. But I can't dwell on that. I'm at a point where soon I simply must pick one or the other because it's the only decent thing to do.



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