July 26, 2000


it feels like winter again
the sky is brooding
there's a chill in the house
the people are all acting the same
the effect of drink
permeates each level
from oldest to youngest
and does not leave me alone
the angry words waft up the stairs
enticing me to remember
what I've always tried to forget
and in a few seconds
I'm am transformed
back into a young teenager
frightened and angry
longing to escape
and I know now
why I didn't want to return

today I'm just yearning, yearning, yearning. for what I have no idea. normally I would chalk this up to me needing to get out more, but I've barely been home at all since friday. or maybe I do need to get out away from my house. this week it's just felt as if it were closing in on me. this is what I dreaded would happen when I was trying to figure out where to live this summer. I hope the rest of the time I'm home is not like this. I hope it's just that this week is messed up because I'm rather disoriented and tired from not being home and not sleeping in my bed at all. and also the fact that I've been screwing things up gloriously these past few days. I really hope I don't screw things up with her though. She's just amazing. She's the type of person who makes me want to be a better person. I had gotten so indifferent when it came to dating because of all the stuff that happened the past few months. With her though I have this compulsive need to spend all this time planning what to do and trying to make everything as perfect as I can. I was also really skittish at first, but I'm getting over that. After all the excuses I had been fed, I was waiting for her to tell me that things just weren't working. I'm gradually getting over that, but there's still this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that she'll do the same thing soon enough and crush me. Oh well, I guess I should just do my best to ignore that and simply enjoy the time I spend with her because she is just absolutely incredible.



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